Dutch way, self talks

Relief

Nowadays I am so chilled so peaceful…

Things are smooth. Christmas is on the corner!

My boyfriend’s friends are coming for Christmas. He is bringing his girlfriend.

So we will be accelerator during their serious leveling up process.

So I did iron, dishes and cleaning today.

But a holiday mood boosts my mood!

Last week it was snowing❄️⛄️ I wish the same for christmas

Happy holidays

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self talks

Wait to write about feelings and future

I have lost my inner-peace.

Don’t ask why , I lost.

This lost inner-peace leaks in each conversation with my husband. I do not like his family, I do not find him beautiful, I cannot see any chemistry between us.

Even writing the sentences above took grand time for me.

Because writing about my feelings, future with such edgy thoughts will make them absolute.

Before I write they were assumptions.

Now they turned into confessions…

We discussed, we fought over the thoughts… he mention on divorce.

Is it real ? Yes. We barely one year married and in the first fight, he talked about divorce!

I am extremely , crystal clear about the words I said him. Because I know that they are real , they are my facts. Not any forecast or blackmail.

I am heart broken .

All the pieces of my broken heart is a big messed up puzzle

self talks

Notes and questions to myself

This bouquet is beautiful. Isn’t it ?

What is beauty ? Who is beautiful ?

How come humans cannot be objective on such a measurable matter ?

If your face is symmetric and proportional , you are beautiful. I mean informatics said like that. At my university, I attended a master thesis study that proves this thesis.

Anyway, I don’t understand how come people can find beautiful some girls , that I am disgusted. Or vice versa.

By the way I am talking about appearance , physical beauty, facial features.

I declare myself as an objective person, even sometimes I underestimate myself to be objective to eliminate the possibility of bias from any comparison.

Ok now I am talking, there is a girl. I found so artificial. Her plastic surgery on nose and fillers in lips create an artificial face.

At first glance, she looks attractive because on media whatever is served as beautiful she transformed herself into that model. Kardashian/Jenner I mean.

But this artificial beauty hides herself alone. Therefore She is just a replica, a bad one. But everyone finds her beautiful including mine closest ones.

I object this.

I hate her because everyone see her as the one.

And she is really fake. A fake gucci bag on paris streets.

Why no one cannot see this ?

Why beauty is relative , meaningless !

self talks

My new blog

Because I am still unemployed, I needed something to make me feel busy and value-generated person.

I officially opened my first travel blog !

https://bencegidilir.wordpress.com

It is in Turkish BUT I put all the restaurants and cafes I like/love in the cities w their addresses!

So, for english speakers you have the best part of the blog posts !!

I also have the insta account : bence_gidilir

I will check the stats after this post

hope you all visted and enjoy 🙂

self talks

Street screams

image

This is a wall writing İ saw in Istanbul.

It says “Come but without you”

Rumi, Persian poet, says whoever you are, please come.

But nobody is Rumi. It is true. I know as the way that he is, definitely will hurt me. But I love and want him.

It is better if he comes to me without him.

I do not know whether what I wrote make sense to you, but my fever and sore throat supported by tiger balm & nurofen make them sense to me.

Winter + emotional break up= weak immune system + utopic fancy desires