simply happy

Oisterwijk

Yesterday, while I was going to the university, I was astonished again by a Small town called Oisterwijk.

I decided to go there after school ofcourse if he agrees with me and has a lust to go there.

Thanks to sunshine and his boredom at work, it was so easy to convince him.

The town was prettier and cozier than I saw while trespassing by the train.

Old but fancy people were at the restaurants drinking wine, some old ladies were driving cabrio cars.

For an hour we project our retirement plans. Coziness of this town enchanted us.

There were issues we need to discuss, but we postponed . Just talked how we feel, an openair therapy session was the thing we need.

Please visit this town if you want to calm down yourselves. But ofcourse sunshine makes it perfect.

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Tributes to every piece of mine

Today there was a festival at the Philips De Jongh park in Eindhoven.

The theme was Happy Sunday ! And at the stage there were only Tribute groups.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Amy Winehouse

Queen

Led Zeplin

I only listened Amy Winehouse band. The band was so successful . The vokal is dressed similar as Amy. Her voice is strong ! The songs they performed were well picked .

Amy was such a transparent song writer and performer . She was special indeed she still is..

so this tribute was everything that I am looking for this weekend.

I am having major problems with my H’s family. They do not behave equal between their sons and we feel this a lot !

Now I learned that they do not want me in their family from the beginning.

Anyway messed people, ignorant personalities … My H is the only contact with them.

So This week I was depressed and exhausted psychologically ..

This thing – flying chairs was also a great tribute to my childhood , easy days.

Nice chill out day and a really happy sunday at the end !

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Goodbye 30

I fulfilled 30 years on earth.

As a human, woman, Middle Eastern, heart broken, hardworking, standing alone for herself, frightened, misunderstood, beloved, loving creature…

I love the journey. Each year it gets harder, so the pleasure I got become more….

I did not feel the years of 20s, I lived every second of my 20s as free and full of experiences as possible .

But now moving towards 30 to 31 made me responsible and mature against others.

And when I experienced everything I want; universe and life gave me unconditional affection but not love. That was I had been looking for.

As I became mature, I became more more beautiful, confident, sexy, charming…

Goodbye 30, I had had waited for you so long, please now leave me with what you had come along with…

self talks

Wait to write about feelings and future

I have lost my inner-peace.

Don’t ask why , I lost.

This lost inner-peace leaks in each conversation with my husband. I do not like his family, I do not find him beautiful, I cannot see any chemistry between us.

Even writing the sentences above took grand time for me.

Because writing about my feelings, future with such edgy thoughts will make them absolute.

Before I write they were assumptions.

Now they turned into confessions…

We discussed, we fought over the thoughts… he mention on divorce.

Is it real ? Yes. We barely one year married and in the first fight, he talked about divorce!

I am extremely , crystal clear about the words I said him. Because I know that they are real , they are my facts. Not any forecast or blackmail.

I am heart broken .

All the pieces of my broken heart is a big messed up puzzle

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Jealousy Question

I am a jealous person in general. I can be jealous of a smile, a dinner date, a like on instagram .

But this jealousy is not limited with my boyfriend, husband. It could be my mom, my dad, my manager, my neighbour ?!

So sometimes I believe this is pathetic and I need a psychologic help, but sometimes I see myself as a reactionary person against unfair situations.

Let me give an example ,

My father was dropping me off to the primary school with our neighbour’s daughter my friend , lets say Jessica.

Jessica was blonde , big blue eyes ! Also she was clever , respectful. And she was one year older than me.

We were generally good friends , talkative, but not as BFF. A good road friend lets say.

One day in the morning Jessica came our house as usual and that day my father first opened her door. Not mine.

On that moment , I was 9 years old, I feel angry, sad, jealous but also broken. How come he can first open her door ?

Does he begin to love her more than me now ? Is this a sign of this limited love ? . Is she my competitor ? What makes her special ? Why now ? Why today?

These questions can be seen a lot but in thinking pace it took a mili-second

And the content of the questions .. that is the part which problematic.

Now I am jealous of my brother-in-law’s girlfriend. Because my mother-in-law only comments under her pictures, likes it. And my husband finds her beautiful.

Childish thoughts are back. But again the question Why now and that occasion ?

Is it really they are acting differently to me than usual or unfair triggers me temptation of jealosy ?

Or is it pathetic pure jealousy ?

I cannot decide…

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Things I have learned after he had gone

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I do not remember when this photo was taken.
But it feels so safe that the things I do not remember confirm the facts I have learnt.

I am an only child.
But I grew up by saying brother to my cousin.

This photo. Aren’t we look alike siblings?

Cause I was feeling that way.

Today , it has been 1 year that he is passed away.

1 year.
How did I cope ?

I said to myself he is away as if he was in a business trip.
Later when I realized I miss him and I want to talk.

That was hard. I looked back. I evaluate the life conditions , the marriage, the work life, family relationships, his will to move to Australia…

I assume that life will be hard for him. Maybe he will be unhappy another form of misery he will try to bear…

Then I procrastinate to miss him…

But there were some moments. So sudden.
One song.
One photo.
One word.

I immediately cried. The fact that he will NEVER come back. I face it. I accept it. Then there is nothing to do.

Leave it.

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This is the enterance of cemetery. The acceptance point.
Today I was there.
I talked to them. Cause my brother and grandpa are in the same grave.

I talked them what I had done so far.
How was Australia ?
A self inner peace that I tried to find.
A help of salvation of my sins.

Then I visited the mosque.
I am not neither a dedicated Muslim nor an atheist.
I believe the power of something and places.

This mosque under the snow was so pretty. Covering my beloved ones.

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The fountain in the center for men to clean themselves before the pray.

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Again the ceiling. I am amazed each time.

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This is the outer fountain .

Old architecture, memories, New pain, 1 year, religion, losses…

Do not procrastinate your regrets. I can only say that.