Dutch way, self talks

Relief

Nowadays I am so chilled so peaceful…

Things are smooth. Christmas is on the corner!

My boyfriend’s friends are coming for Christmas. He is bringing his girlfriend.

So we will be accelerator during their serious leveling up process.

So I did iron, dishes and cleaning today.

But a holiday mood boosts my mood!

Last week it was snowing❄️⛄️ I wish the same for christmas

Happy holidays

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simply happy

Oisterwijk

Yesterday, while I was going to the university, I was astonished again by a Small town called Oisterwijk.

I decided to go there after school ofcourse if he agrees with me and has a lust to go there.

Thanks to sunshine and his boredom at work, it was so easy to convince him.

The town was prettier and cozier than I saw while trespassing by the train.

Old but fancy people were at the restaurants drinking wine, some old ladies were driving cabrio cars.

For an hour we project our retirement plans. Coziness of this town enchanted us.

There were issues we need to discuss, but we postponed . Just talked how we feel, an openair therapy session was the thing we need.

Please visit this town if you want to calm down yourselves. But ofcourse sunshine makes it perfect.

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Goodbye 30

I fulfilled 30 years on earth.

As a human, woman, Middle Eastern, heart broken, hardworking, standing alone for herself, frightened, misunderstood, beloved, loving creature…

I love the journey. Each year it gets harder, so the pleasure I got become more….

I did not feel the years of 20s, I lived every second of my 20s as free and full of experiences as possible .

But now moving towards 30 to 31 made me responsible and mature against others.

And when I experienced everything I want; universe and life gave me unconditional affection but not love. That was I had been looking for.

As I became mature, I became more more beautiful, confident, sexy, charming…

Goodbye 30, I had had waited for you so long, please now leave me with what you had come along with…

self talks

Wait to write about feelings and future

I have lost my inner-peace.

Don’t ask why , I lost.

This lost inner-peace leaks in each conversation with my husband. I do not like his family, I do not find him beautiful, I cannot see any chemistry between us.

Even writing the sentences above took grand time for me.

Because writing about my feelings, future with such edgy thoughts will make them absolute.

Before I write they were assumptions.

Now they turned into confessions…

We discussed, we fought over the thoughts… he mention on divorce.

Is it real ? Yes. We barely one year married and in the first fight, he talked about divorce!

I am extremely , crystal clear about the words I said him. Because I know that they are real , they are my facts. Not any forecast or blackmail.

I am heart broken .

All the pieces of my broken heart is a big messed up puzzle

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Jealousy Question

I am a jealous person in general. I can be jealous of a smile, a dinner date, a like on instagram .

But this jealousy is not limited with my boyfriend, husband. It could be my mom, my dad, my manager, my neighbour ?!

So sometimes I believe this is pathetic and I need a psychologic help, but sometimes I see myself as a reactionary person against unfair situations.

Let me give an example ,

My father was dropping me off to the primary school with our neighbour’s daughter my friend , lets say Jessica.

Jessica was blonde , big blue eyes ! Also she was clever , respectful. And she was one year older than me.

We were generally good friends , talkative, but not as BFF. A good road friend lets say.

One day in the morning Jessica came our house as usual and that day my father first opened her door. Not mine.

On that moment , I was 9 years old, I feel angry, sad, jealous but also broken. How come he can first open her door ?

Does he begin to love her more than me now ? Is this a sign of this limited love ? . Is she my competitor ? What makes her special ? Why now ? Why today?

These questions can be seen a lot but in thinking pace it took a mili-second

And the content of the questions .. that is the part which problematic.

Now I am jealous of my brother-in-law’s girlfriend. Because my mother-in-law only comments under her pictures, likes it. And my husband finds her beautiful.

Childish thoughts are back. But again the question Why now and that occasion ?

Is it really they are acting differently to me than usual or unfair triggers me temptation of jealosy ?

Or is it pathetic pure jealousy ?

I cannot decide…

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Young and restless is not a tv show, today it is me

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Grey sunday…
Really bored and restless.
As if something is approaching to my life bringing more and more unhappiness…

Maybe it is just Sunday.
Nowadays I only feel that Sunday’s are for happy couples who can lay down on their bad and cuddling , arguing on silly things at the end the guy accepts, they winged about their Monday and ask each other which cloth is clean to wear…

Did you see I picturized my wish by words ? 🙂

I am watching a silly movie now and Oscars that I am waiting as a consolation prize that I can get from my life.

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This can be my consolation prize for 1 month if I had 500 pounds.

So tonite, pyjamas TV and chips can covert sunday to fun day